The F1 Circus: Top unpublished stories from 2006

Sun, 29 October 2006, 04:00

The following stories never made it to press. We wonder why…*

Reports suggest that Michael Schumacher might well forego his face wax this week as he continues to celebrate the Ferrari 1-2 at the Brickyard. Says the German: “Zer is no time for ze vaxxing vile ve drink ze ginger beer to celebrhate ze dominance. But not to vorry for ze fans – ze face vill be vaxxed again before ze next race und ze cheeks vill be rhosy.”

Sources at Toyota have revealed they are about to lose half their sponsorship money for the next two seasons as Jarno Trulli today made the shock announcement that he was to cut his hair. It is expected that at least six out of the ten grooming brands currently providing sponsorship money will withdraw their contributions immediately.

The FIA yesterday issued a press release apologizing to Yuji Ide, The Super Aguri Team and the Japanese nation. In the release, the FIA details the series of blunders that led them to the decision to take away Ide’s Superlicence, stating that, on re-examination, it really did look quite authentic and, in retrospect, there is every possibility that the FIA-accredited printers had let a document slip through with the word “SuperRicence” printed thereon in big bold letters. They have agreed to give it back to him, stating that “If you get right down to it, we’ve been letting someone like Ralf Schumacher drive a much faster car for a long time now – and in fact in Canada a much slower car. Just because Ide has no multiple-world champion siblings is no reason to deny him the same privileges.”

The FIA has announced that it was to take a radical about-turn in policy after Max Mosley died in a mysterious aircraft crash. The aircraft was a charter from European Aviation. The new acting president of the FIA, Paul Stoddard, has wasted no time in announcing that Formula One will once more become the pinnacle of motor sport, and it will no longer shy away from speed. “Formula One cars are incredibly safe mate – even compared to those of ten years ago.”, said the Australian, “No driver has died in the sport since 1994 and we as the FIA feel that is time to put the interests of the fans first. We have realized that the V8 decision was misguided and we will once more return to the 3.0 engine capacity format, with the teams being free to choose cylinder configuration. We will also fast-track the return of slick tyres so as to increase cornering speeds and encourage overtaking – which will lead to some downright bonza races. And, in conclusion, we are also implementing a policy that will ban French people from managing Italian teams with German number one drivers. We should have foreseen the obvious internal conflict that was going to happen in such a team when the world cup final in Germany inevitably ended up being a contest between France and Italy. Moreover, we have realized that the driver who talks about safety in F1 most often is the same guy who parks his car across the race track on a blind corner during qualifying so we’re no longer sure we should take him seriously.”

Ralf Schumacher steadfastly refuses to apologise for his positively pedestrian pace in the Canadian Grand Prix and claims that he does not understand why some believe he should have been black-flagged for safety reasons. Says the man best known as Michael Schumacher’s brother: “Come on! It was evident during the safety car period that my pace almost equaled that of the safety car on Sunday. The only logical deduction we can make from this is that I was driving a very safe race.” When questioned as to the reasons for Ralf’s lack of pace, Toyota’s chassis man Pascal Vasselon said “Why, it’s obvious! He was slow because he couldn’t get the tyres to stick – he couldn’t get enough temperature into them”. When asked what the cause of the lack of tyre temperature was. The answer was equally contrite: “Because he wasn’t going fast enough.”

*Here’s the fine print: None of the above stories are true – they’re here for pure amusement value. If you didn’t get this fact by at least the report about the FIA actually wishing to increase the speed of F1 cars, you obviously know nothing about the sport.

Edu de Jager

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