Top ten unpublished stories of 2007

Fri, 26 October 2007, 02:47

The following stories never made it to press. We wonder why…*

A source inside Ferrari reveals that the smiling figure in red at the beginning of the Interlagos race, who was also rather talkative at the post race press conference, may have looked like Kimi Raikkonen but was, in fact, a body double. Bernie Ecclestone approached the team beforehand and made it clear that, in the event that Kimi did take the championship, there was no way he would be allowed to get away with his usual three-word answers in the press conference. “We simply can’t have a world champion that is so rich in brevity – it’s bad for TV”, Bernie is quoted as saying. Ferrari realised that it would be impossible to get Kimi to be more talkative (or in fact care what Bernie says), so they promptly hired a lookalike and started coaching him. The real Kimi wore a helmet the entire weekend to facilitate the prompt switching between the two men whenever necessary. Kimi’s real answer to the the question regarding his thoughts about the race was “Ya, it vas ôkê. Ze carr vas goot and ze tiem did goot.” When asked if he had anything more to say, his answer was “Ver is my vodka?”.

Following Ralf Schumacher’s categorical assertion that he will be in F1 next season, there has been much speculation as to which team (or indeed teams) he is talking to. The German has remained tight-lipped, however – quite literally. finally got an exclusive today, managing to coax an answer from the man better known as The Other Schumacher: “Yes yes I’m talking to both Force Japan F1… erm, or is that Force Korea… I don’t know, you know the team I’m talking about right? Right. Yes, to them, to Prodrive and to Super Aguri. They all seem quite keen to sign me as test driver and it seems I might not even have to pay them.”

The Japanese press was up in arms about Kazuki Nakajima’s unprecedented performance at Interlagos. In a radical break with tradition, the rookie finished his first race in F1 – despite being Japanese while doing so. In the tradition-fast Japanese culture, this has been declared unacceptable and they have gone as far as demanding that the Williams driver commit Hara-Kiri. His plea for extenuating circumstances, citing the fact that he did manage to take out two members of his pit crew, seems to have bought him some time but he has been urged to look to Yammamoto-san as a guide and mentor to avoid any future disgrace.

Flavio Briattore, affectionately known as “Uncle Flav” to friends and concubines alike, has announced his intention to remain in Formula One for the foreseeable future, rubbishing reports in the press that he plans a move back to the fashion industry. “People don’t know this but fashion is far tougher than F1. I mean think about it, when it comes to charming the ladies you have far more competition in fashion don’t you? ‘Bunch of pretty boys there makes it an uphill struggle. In F1 your competition is more likely to look like Jean Todt or Robert Kubica – it’s a no-brainer.” There is further speculation that he might take over from Hugh Hefner one day but apparently doesn’t like the idea of walking around in pyjamas in broad daylight.

In a surprise move, McLaren has jumped to the defence of Fernando Alonso, denying recent rumours as to his true nature. Says Ron Dennis: “Fernando is most certainly not a garden gnome, despite what he looks like with a beard.”

Apparently there has been a complete breakdown of civility between the management of the Toyota and McLaren teams. Toyota are reportedly incensed that McLaren copied an idea that was originally theirs – stealing the intellectual property of Ferrari. To add insult to espionage, McLaren did it better and also got way more publicity as a result. Insiders say Toyota are considering laying a formal complaint with the FIA.

Niki Lauda made public his ignorance of the world at large when he said about Lewis Hamilton: “I’ve never seen anyone like him.” The F1 world was shocked that the triple world champion had never before seen a man of colour and Bernie Ecclestone, in a bid to aid the reputation of the sport, has since sent him on a whirlwind tour of the world, providing him with the opportunity to meet people of all colours and creeds.

The Honda F1 team went on the defensive when criticised about their terrible season that has thankfully now come to an oily end. Says an inside source: “Dude, like, saving the trees and the small furry animals and stuff by, like, putting, like, a rad paint job on, like, the car is far more important than going fast.”

While McLaren is keen to supply Prodrive with chassis, they have expressed reluctance in just handing over their latest and greatest to another team – even though they actually now need the money a customer deal would provide. Rumours have surfaced that, instead of selling Prodrive next year’s McLaren, they might just sell them this year’s Ferrari.

Upon reading about the planned 10-year engine freeze in Formula One, Health Workers in the UK came to the conclusion that there was finally no doubt left whatsoever that Max Mosley had completely “lost his marbles” (a medical term). They are currently outside his home and plan to seize him and take him to the looney bin the moment he makes his appearance.

In further developments to the above story, the results of a recent poll shows that if the 10-year freeze actually stands, most F1 fans agree that the name of the sport should change to “WTF1”.

*Here’s the fine print: None of the above stories are true – they’re here for pure amusement value.

Edu de Jager

For all the columns by this author, click here

You may also like